5/16/2015–Nothing is more influential than a relationship, generally (in my experience).
The book Never Eat Alone is built on that idea, as is most guidance from the manager tools podcast. Whether it’s ethical to manipulate people or not (a terrible word) on this basis depends on many factors; at least it depends on some mix of intent and outcome. Either way, the first steps of becoming an effective professional should include the recognition of the power of relationships and learning how to build them (ethically). My first (only) leadership role has been president of a club at school, for which I led a board of 5 vps. I don’t consider my management experience as the same species of leadership since I was not the final executor of decisions affecting the unit as a whole. As the president and founder of the club, I’m tasked with getting the right things done from all stakeholders’ perspectives. As I enter my 2nd such position in the fall, I’ll need to carry lessons learned form my short time as club leader; so, I’d better build relationships.
As a club leader, I’ve been able to achieve a few measurable results. $2,375 in funding, about $700 of which I attribute directly to relationships I have with either the individual due-paying club members or the person responsible for distributing club funds for events. Two things are important to remember. First, this “value” provided by the relationship wasn’t on anyone’s radar when the relationship was first being built. In fact, these relationships required very little investment of time/effort, so no return was really expected. Either or both parties may not even realize nor intend for a relationship to form in the beginning, thus making any future benefit superfluous to the bond. Maybe that’s the key–to form relationships which don’t increase in value with exchanged favors/tangible value? Maybe the mark of highly-effective leadership is the # of relationships they have for which they could say the relationship got me X, but it’s no more valuable as a result. Mathematically, relationship (R) = R + X where “X” is benefits which come directly from the relationship. This supports the manager tools concept that relationships are simply frequent communication about things important to each person. That’s why one-on-ones are so effective–30 minutes weekly, first 15 for what’s important to them, remaining time about what’s important to you. Even if you don’t reap any measurable benefits (club funding, membership, sponsorship, etc.) the relationship remains as long as that communication continues. The first lesson, therefore is that all real value exists from the start AND that no external value “X” is part of early-stage relationship building. “X”–in order to qualify as a result of the relationship–must come long after the relationship begins to exist. The other side of this coin is the obvious lesson/conclusion to draw: start, now, forming these relationships!
Second, in order to maintain proper mindset in this regard, it can’t be right to see someone “powerful” today and think, “I should have formed a relationship with them!” That would clearly assume the value of that relationship exists outside of “consistent communication about important topics” and that value would’ve increased due to what the “powerful” person could do for us. It is tempting, though, but has the ill effect, possibly, to color our future relationship-building efforts as we try to “not make that mistake again”. It’s of course easier said than done–maybe even unrealistic–and just as listening to potential customers means deeply focusing on what concerns them, effective relationship building requires, or at least is aided by an effort to resist filtering what you’re hearing, or trying to interpret the message in real-time, or forming a response mentally while the other person is speaking. Those 3 faults (filtering, interpreting, responding) happen naturally, but knowing you “missed out” on a chance to build a valuable relationship before may amplify them in a new relationship. It’s the dark side of the “power networker”–they know they could use this person in the future, so while “listening” they’re filtering, interpreting, and responding mentally to what that person is saying. One of Horstman’s laws applies here: “You’re not that smart, and they’re not that dumb.” Chances are, the more powerful, influential, etc. that person is, the more likely it is they’ve learned how to tell if you’re really listening to them or not. Of course, they might not care, but if they’re someone who’s hard to listen to and you’re the one person who truly does, how can that be bad? Consider these people low-hanging fruit–if you think they’re a jerk/boring, most people think the same, so these types may make friends easily with those willing to listen.
QOTW: “Why do we do things, knowingly, if they’re harmful?” Mom
?FNW–Is hiking in Utah worth the cost? Still calculating cost, but likely yes.
11/14/2017 review–That results and relationships are the two keystones of the successful professional becomes clearer each day. I need serious work on my relationship-management, even though I’m aware of it’s value as a skill set. The relationship equation here is interesting. As I consider the relationships I value most, it really is true that any benefits I get from them don’t seem to add value above and beyond simply having the relationship itself. In other words, even if my friends buy me gifts, pay when we’re out for dinner, or whatever, I wouldn’t even think to associate these with the value of the friendship. Likewise at work, co-workers with whom I have strong bonds don’t need to provide anything for me beyond that bond, again defined as frequent communication about what matters to me, and I’d expect vice versa for them. That’s all I can think of that I’d consider actually valuable, and at the core of what constitutes the essence of the relationship. I think that might be the only appropriate thing on which to value it.